#IAmNot – One of the topics I chose to blog about this week in our study of A Confident Heart at Proverbs 31 Online Bible Studies. At first glance of this hashtag, I thought there is nothing I really can share about feeling like a failure, feeling guilty and condemned, but the more we got into Chapter 7 the more I realized how I have had those feelings.
I remember several years back calling my husband on the phone feeling like a failure at everything and he calmly telling me of all I was currently successful at and how could I even thank that. Sometimes that is caused by our perfectionism to be the perfect child, the perfect student, the perfect wife, the perfect one at the office. Some of us can not take criticism well. I find that especially hard because my parents expected us to do well in school, and that has followed throughout my life – wanting to do better, wanting to be more, striving to do the very best I can in all areas of life.
We take a bad day and let Satan convince us we are failures. Life can get so busy and when I am not able to do what I think I should be doing, I think I have failed rather than look at all I am accomplishing in life. Oh yes my friends, the house is not clean and organized like I want it to be, and honestly I don’t think it ever will because there are so many more important things like family and friends and ministry than a clean house. No I am not having the time to exercise like I should and need to be doing, but yes, yes, yes look at what is getting done in the Kingdom for Him. Honestly I know in my heart I am not a failure so why does my mind go in that direction.
One thing that has especially pricked my heart this week is my weight and time management. God was already speaking to me on this topic of weight for the last few weeks as we made scripture cards for our no-fail tins, and I emptied a candy jar and put my verses in there for my go-to. Then today Melissa posted her video how she has dealt with this same issue over and over. I have never felt this type of conviction over weight before and the house is taking a toil on how I feel lately also. I am tired of clutter and stacks of stuff that I don’t seem to be able to get back to in order to finish. I think one day at home with no interruptions from outside and I can get the house where I want it to be. May tomorrow there will not be a call from school, our daughter just left to go back home after a week here and maybe I can have some down time to CLEAN and perhaps even take a walk.
I know that the number on the scale this morning is not tied to my value as a person, but it is tied to my feelings – feelings of failure this morning seeing that I had gained 5 pounds since my excellent visit to my doctor in late July with a good cholesterol number for the first time in years and with no medication and feeling like a failure because I’ve lost 30 pounds and to see the scale move up is disappointing. I have tossed out clothes and I have dug out clothes I wore several years back so I know I am better than I was two years ago, but not where I want to be. The doctor did tell me that the few pounds I had gained in July were fine and probably muscle.
This week our chapter was titled “When Doubt Whispers “I’m Such a Failure”. For me God has been dealing with my shortcomings with my weight. So what changed recently – life and stress – loss of my Mom, the holidays approaching without her, our grandson born with a horrible skin disease, and life interruptions that cause us to get off the track we were on and fall back instead of continuing forward, and instead of falling on our knees for comfort and peace instead of food.
God is really speaking to me loud and clear this week as I stepped on those scales this morning, and even before with the no-fail tin, and then I opened Melissa’s video this morning at P31, and she was speaking about her weight loss issues. THANK YOU Jesus for conviction – goodbye Satan with your condemnation. #IAmNot a failure and you will not win this battle either. Battle after battle this year, but you know who reigns in my life and I know.
Here are some of my favorite passages that I highlighted in this chapter:
- “HE wanted her setback to help her step forward.” I looked at that again this morning. He wanted her setback. I had a setback this morning, an eye opener on the scales – 5 pounds up since July and 10 this year after losing 30. Eye opener yes, set back yes – failure no. It is time to step forward with God. We can do this. Failure and Satan do not get their way. #IAmNot a failure.
- “In your own strength and through your own perspective, you cannot do this. But I am here with you. I will help you.” I know I can not find the time to exercise in my own strength and I sure can not keep myself out of the kitchen. I have got to trust because I can not do this alone.
- Psalm 18:35, “You have given me your shield of victory. Your right hand supports me; your help has made me great” (NLT). God has brought me to a starting place and He always looks beyond who I am today to what I am becoming.
- ”God uses conviction lovingly, to show us our sin and lead our hearts to repentance. He does this to draw us away from destructive behavior that hinders our relationship with Him and with others. His desire is to bring us out of the darkness of sin and back into the light, so that we can walk with Him in the freedom of forgiveness and the confidence of His love.” Oh wow! Such conviction and affirmation over and over this week.